I’ve been thinking about friends a lot lately and have been utilizing them more when I need them recently. Tonight I was thinking about how it is painful for me when my friends, people who I love, don’t get along with each other. I’ve been kind of a loner at times because the people I hang out with are so different and varied that it’s not a continuous group of friends, it’s more individuals and a few people who are friends with each other here and there. It gets kind of weird when my friends know each other but dont like each other, and I have to plan around who likes who and who won’t hang out with someone else instead of just inviting all the people I want to and not worrying about if they get along or not. And I will worry about it if I know there is tension within a hangout event, because I am sensitive. It’s not something I can turn off but it’s something I’m working on not letting it stress me out as much.
Looking back, I’ve noticed a pattern I’ve stuck to with all my friends who don’t get along: I always pick the ones who don’t make me choose sides. I always pick the ones who aren’t possessive and entitled over me, because they let me be my own person instead of wanting me to be their person, the kind of person they would choose for me to be if it were up to them. And I like it when nobody makes me choose because it means I get to keep more friends who I’ve picked because I’m picky and they’ve already passed the test, even if they don’t get along with each other.
I’m not sure if it’s the action of trying to get me to choose their side that drives me away from those certain people, or if it’s more the fact that they’re already not as good of a friend match for me, and the defining moment is when they pressure me to pick sides. I like to think that I am a good enough judge of character that I can decide for myself if I should be friends with someone or not, even if it takes me a while to do that. So it definitely bugs me when someone tries to make that decision for me, because I am my own animal.